Ok, Here is the first...I warn you ladies: Some of these may seem a bit 'sexist', but they are not intended as such - I think the first is pretty neutral - Anyone who drinks, or who has drank to excess will be able to identify with this one.....
Hangover Rating System
One Star Hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****) Life su_cks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****) You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare ' floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Thanks, but I don't want to have s*e*x . Nope, no more booze for me . Sorry, but you're not really my type . Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing .
Ok, Here is the first...I warn you ladies: Some of these may seem a bit 'sexist', but they are not intended as such - I think the first is pretty neutral - Anyone who drinks, or who has drank to excess will be able to identify with this one.....
Hangover Rating System
One Star Hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****) Life su_cks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****) You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare ' floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Thanks, but I don't want to have s*e*x . Nope, no more booze for me . Sorry, but you're not really my type . Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing .
Ok, Next one up: A subject that is probably 'near and dear' to the ladies hearts:
"Answers to Marriage from a kids perspective"
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
> >( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you > >like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should > >keep the chips and dip co ming. > > -- Alan, age 10 > > > >( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going > >to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out > >later who you're stuck with. > > -- Kirsten, age 10 > >
> >WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
> >( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person > >FOREVER by then. > > -- Camille, age 10 > > > >( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get > >married. > > -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age) > >
> >HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
> >( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be > >yelling at the same kids. > > -- Derrick, age 8 > >
> >WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
> >( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids. > > -- Lori, age 8 > >
> >WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
> >( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to > >know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long > >enough. > > -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) > > > >( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that > >usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. > > -- Martin, age 10 > >
> >WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
> >( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the > >newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. > > -- Craig, age 9
> >WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
> >( 1 ) When they're rich. > > -- Pam, age 7 > > > >( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to > >mess with that. > > -- Curt, age 7 > > > >( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should > >marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.=20 > > -- Howard, age 8 > >
> >IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
> >(1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need > >someone to clean up after them. > > -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child) > >
> >HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
> >( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? > > -- Kevin, age 8 > > > >And the #1 Favorite is..... > >
> >HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
> >( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a > >truck. > > -- Ricky, age 10
Ok, Next one up: A subject that is probably 'near and dear' to the ladies hearts:
"Answers to Marriage from a kids perspective"
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
> >( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you > >like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should > >keep the chips and dip co ming. > > -- Alan, age 10 > > > >( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going > >to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out > >later who you're stuck with. > > -- Kirsten, age 10 > >
> >WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
> >( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person > >FOREVER by then. > > -- Camille, age 10 > > > >( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get > >married. > > -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age) > >
> >HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
> >( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be > >yelling at the same kids. > > -- Derrick, age 8 > >
> >WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
> >( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids. > > -- Lori, age 8 > >
> >WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
> >( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to > >know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long > >enough. > > -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) > > > >( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that > >usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. > > -- Martin, age 10 > >
> >WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
> >( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the > >newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. > > -- Craig, age 9
> >WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
> >( 1 ) When they're rich. > > -- Pam, age 7 > > > >( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to > >mess with that. > > -- Curt, age 7 > > > >( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should > >marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.=20 > > -- Howard, age 8 > >
> >IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
> >(1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need > >someone to clean up after them. > > -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child) > >
> >HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
> >( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? > > -- Kevin, age 8 > > > >And the #1 Favorite is..... > >
> >HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
> >( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a > >truck. > > -- Ricky, age 10
It's plenty of fun if you are doing it with all male modles and don't have to work the next day, plus you've already stocked up on gatorade and percocet's to deal with the next day
It's plenty of fun if you are doing it with all male modles and don't have to work the next day, plus you've already stocked up on gatorade and percocet's to deal with the next day
